Hypocrate if ever there was one... maybe.

A friend of mine once spoke about how many religious people are hypocritical in that they "attend church on Sunday thinking about who they are going to fuck on Monday." I agreed that it happens and that those are hypocrites. But after thinking about it, maybe the hypocrites are the ones trying to look pius all the while not having their heart in it. I would be the complete opposite, in the past at least.

I'm not sure what the hell I am trying to get to, but I know it isn't coming out right. Religion may teach one thing, but faith fluctuates. The real test, I suppose, is to see who can get themselves to church, despite knowing they are a poor excuse for a human being, or perhaps the most precise definition of one. If it was so easy, everyone would do it.

Maybe I'm not a hypocrite because I don't sit in church on Sunday to ever think such thoughts. The last Mass I went to in the last year or two was Anne's funeral. I missed some Masses in college, but nothing even close to this magnitude. All I know is that the shame and guilt were like cinderblocks weighing me down while trying to swim to the air above. I'm getting good at not caring anymore.

So, color me a hypocrite, but at least I'm trying. It's always a battle.

Whoreson?

"mother fucker (n): insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous [syn: asshole, bastard, cocksucker, dickhead, shit, motherfucker, prick, whoreson, son of a bitch, SOB]"

WHORESON? WHORESON?! What the hell...?!

Reader's Digest Condensed Version

While I really want to post full emails, I won't out of respect for her privacy and trust. I haven't kept it totally, which I feel bad about, but the only bit I've slipped out was after she passed and was to only one person that I trust. If she was in my shoes, I don't think she'd find it egregious.... I don't think. Well, I can't do a second take or go back in time. All of that aside, here are some emails from Anne, cut and edited, but original.

~ "the state police need people crazy enough to want to work for them. :-D do you get a gun? maybe you can arrest me and put me in the back of the car and run the siren. that would be fun! we could be on cops and i can wear a wifebeater and drink colt 45 and claim that the crackpipe you found in my wonderbra wasn't actually mine, i was holding it for a friend."

~ "god i miss you like a fat kid misses icecream cake. we should be roommates again. although i warn you now - you know this cold weather we've been having? well picture this: i feel like a snack, so i start up a bag 'o popcorn in the microwave. run out, to take out the trash, run back in to find smoke emitting from the microwave. open the door, it's like a fog machine. i'm screaming, the smoke alarm goes off, my mom's like WHAT THE HELL??? i put on all the fans, grab an oven mitt and run the bag outside, with a trail of smoke behind me. i come back to open all the windows and doors becasue the smoke and smell is everywhere, our neighbors stop by to ask if we're ok - me and mom are sitting in our living room with our coats on and comforters over that while the place "airs out" in -5 degree weather.

only in jersey kids, only in jersey.

:-D"

~ "*great big hugs to the psychology guru* i am your grasshoppah. (i'm so
street)"

~ "i'm a little late on this...i just read your latest entry - i hope you're ok. your words were so powerful, and i want to emphatically say that people do care about you. I CARE ABOUT YOU! you are more important to people than you think, and your strength and clarity are traits i admire. doesn't it suck to be so dependable and responsible? even if you thought about rebelling, perhaps "doing the wrong thing", (anti-spike lee) you'd probably dismiss it because you wouldn't let yourself."

~ "if you need to talk, i am here for you like you are for me. :-) i'm serious about this like my addiction to peanut butter."

~ "erin! hello my favorite tulip. i hope you are ok. we haven't talked since last week so i'm checking up on you. i'm still here if you want to talk, and i'm serious about that, although i'm rarely serious about anything."

~ "why don't you have air-conditioning? so you have to go out to your car or your freezer to experience the bliss of an air-conditioning unit? are you're parents amish or something? should i take a vacation to [my town] to wear bonnets and churn butter?"

~ "i'm all confused about this nypd stuff. like, who the hell plans exams on a sunday? and w00t!!!!!! lookie you with your hot test scores. i can't wait until
you can arrest people and beat them senseless with your rod. When is your physical? in the ubiquitous words of rupaul, "you better work!!!!

the only thing going on in my life is my trip to SAN FRANCISCO, where i can participate in gay marriage, free love, rice a roni -- all on a cable car! i am going aug 25-31, and you are more than welcome to join me anytime. i got my airfare for $212 roundtrip!!!!!!

and what are you doing this july 4th weekend? i say, let's meet in the
city @ times square and have a BBQ! I'll bring my george foreman grill
and a really reallly long extension cord.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!
(why am i screaming?)

shashe, shante.
shante shante shante!!!"

~ oh erin -- i just read about cupcake... i hope kitty will make it. i still cry
thinking about max, and he was 18. if he were a dog, he would have been 126 --
that's like, biblical.

how are you doing? what's going on? god, i miss you. i know you're busy with the new job (hope it's going well) and the internship (ditto) but what's your schedule like the next few weekends?

i'm thinking about you --"

~ "erin - ninja master - you are the peanut butter beneath my jelly."

~ "i still love you! tell me what happened...?"

~ "I'm trying to decorate my new desk according to "feng shui guidelines," but
my "fame, fortune, wealth and abundance" corner is the window. I'm thinking that might not be good. "

~ "I hear ya about the bills. I have just enough to cover everything and about a dollah fitty extra for a caramel sundae @ Mickey d's. It's pretty ridiculous.

I don't know how you handle two jobs - You need the money "fuh shizzle," but I'd go insane. You go ahead and hold it down, but don't drive yourself nuts!

When you have some free time in you schedule? We should hang out!!!!! Any longer and I won't recognize you because you'll be a 65 y/o black man!"

I really am not kidding when I say that Anne was easily the funniest person I have EVER encountered. I can't picture anyone topping her EVER. I guess she's just the type of person you have you meet. I've never laughed harder than I've laughed with her. Usually, I am the one making people laugh, not with her. I miss her so much, but I can still laugh- that's how funny she was. The thought that I won't ever hear, see, or touch her again in my lifetime is nearly unbearable.

Devil's in the details

My birthday passed not too long ago. I was looking at an Elvis calendar I received recently from my boss, Kathy. I told her the suit that Elvis was wearing on the promo poster for the Aloha From Hawaii concert (a picture in the calendar) was not the same as the one he actually wore in the concert. She doubted it, albeit politely. I know that I was and continue to be correct. However, I decided to watch the alternate concert on dvd because it's been a little while. Anyone that knows me knows that it doesn't take much to convince me to listen to his singing or watch him gyrate.

As I am watching, the phone rings. Nothing unusual there. However, I decided to crawl over to my phone and see who was on the caller ID. It was Kathy. It was Kathy? Oh no, did I do something wrong?! I go downstairs to listen to the message and she gives me her number to contact her at home about the staff at work.

So, I give Kathy a call. Takes a couple tries, but she answers. She tells me that one of the staff members in the department upstairs had died over the weekend. He seemed nice enough, but I didn't know him very well. I had interned in the department, but I only knew him for a few months. I asked if Lisa knew, she said that their boss would hopefully be calling them to let them know. She urged me to give her a call just in case she hadn't yet been contacted.

I pick up the phone and call Lisa. She answers with, "Aloha!" then says "From Hawaii." I tell her and I hear the emotions welling up, but she doesn't want to really talk to me. Well, either that, or I am totally inept at comforting any other human being. I can think of one exception to that, but I digress.

I noticed something going on of my own too. I was upset about the news, but I am sure not to the degree of those that knew him much better. I hear of anything dying and I feel for it. Hell, I don't even step on bugs. So, I am a bit upset. But, of course, this brings up the still raw emotions linked to Anne's passing. I noticed first that I was thinking of lashing out in a "yeah, it does suck, doesn't it?! Now you know how I felt!" manner. Been there and done that a few times already. I'm becoming a seasoned pro. The magnatude difference bothers me also, and I don't know why. I knew Anne thousands of times better than I knew this staff member, so two different intensities of emotion on my part makes sense. However, seeing people tomorrow and knowing that some/most/any of them are feeling grief for someone that they knew, most likely, less than I knew Anne actually bothers me!! In some sort of twisted way, it seems like I am being invalidated.

The only thing my mother really said about Anne dying, other than asking questions, is that she was thinking how terrible it must have been to been in my position the day I drove into Jersey to see Anne. The day that I made it ~1/2 of the way, got into a car accident disabling my car, and froze sitting in my car because the battery had died with the windows down. Early December, fucking freezing, loud as hell with the cars driving by so fast. Waiting for the tow truck, being taken somewhere I didn't know, having my car impounded, sitting in a building where there was no heat and trying to warm up and no completely break down at the same time. The day I got home around midnight when I left closer to 2.

To really put the icing on the cake- last night I was at someone's house and they were telling me that they had to dress up crazy for a college "hazing". Apparently, they had to wear all sorts of stuff along with a feather boa. I mentioned that I had a friend notorious for wearing a feather boa. Not too much longer, and I see a new video from U2 on television. It looks like they are on a flatbed truck going throughout New York City....yes, they are, there goes St. Patricks in the background.....