Not sure what the urge is

For a good portion of the day I have had a very odd feeling. For some reason now, I am compelled to write it down. Not everything, though. Unfortunately, most times I understand more than I am able to express. The only way to say it is that I feel empty. Like there is truly nothing there except some serious self-loathing. I haven't been in a good mood today, but I haven't been in a bad one either. I am solidly a 5/10. If I have ever felt like this, I don't remember it. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I remember very well feeling the unending pain and anger, but not this. Bizarre. Truly.

I feel like writing, but nothing comes to mind.

Life through a rainy windshield

Splint this!

Well, work went fairly well this week. Current boss wasn't there Thursday, group was ok, and I was off all but two days. Today was a pain, though. CPR, first aid, AED training = 8.5 hours of doing the same damn thing over and over. The fun part was when I got all bandaged up. Hell, I felt sorry for myself! Ah, ok. That was my attempt at enthusiasm. I don't think it worked.... {Oh no, there's the pessimism again! Wait, that's not pessimism, that's realism! Oh shoot, my inability to accept the prevelence of negativity in my life must mean that I am in denial. But if I recognize the denial, am I still suffering from it?!} Yes, yes, and around we go. Sometimes I think I hold myself accountable for feeling "happy" when I believe as though I shouldn't be, or have no reason to be. All of this because I feel as though I am somehow putting on a front, but am I really? That may make absolutely no sense at all, but it made perfect sense the first time I read it. Now I am not so sure. Even I am not as blind as to not see fault with such reasoning. Pushing the blatant aside, I don't even think I can label "happiness". 24 years old and I can remember feeling true contentment only once in more than a decade. Argh! Now I am criticizing myself for feeling bad. Bloody buggery! Sometimes I'm amazed at all I have overcome by no other human strength than my own. Then I realize that my life isn't over yet and there must be some ridiculous trials ahead of me. However, it's all for the best in the end. I'm nothing like I was and very pleased with the transformation thus far... I think.

Fernando

Fernando, my only friend while waiting for the train

Duodenal explosions

Life has been a bit more interesting lately than usual. Yesterday I took metro north down to see Anne in the city. We hit up the met, my first time being there, and besides seeing some really cool stuff, we got yelled at quite a bit for touching things. We got in free and I didn't charge up my credit card, so that was a pleasant experience. Well, besides the coat check guy for D 130. He was weird.Anyways, after finishing up the Egyptian section (the part which WAS open, that is), we headed outside and got asked to move by an auxilliary police officer. He was nice enough, so we moved. This all occured after duodenal explosion #1. A quick cab ride brought us to the cafeteria. 15 mins of waiting, one amazingly disgusting looking, but damn good tasting blueberry margarita, and we were seated. Basically we gorged ourselves. Best hamburger in a long time came from there.Then we headed to a bookstore, where I might add, I only bought two books. A walk to penn station, all the while smelling smoke and being completely unable to find am empty cab, led us to an extremely long wait at the taxi stand, and fortunately, an explanation. The woman behing us explained that there were a problem with the subways. As yes. Watch the news last night after my trek to grand central, trainride, and drive home, and the situation explained in greater detail. Some guy threw stuff on the tracks and apparently some metal into the third subway rail and caused some fires. All in all, 5 lines were down. Try to hail a cab on a day like that. Good luck.Today I get a message from my state trooper friend asking if I wanted the materials for the upcoming written test and was offered to get together sometime. I still plan on taking the written, but the physical, if soon, is pointless. I am pretty damn sure I can't run 1.5 miles in under 15 mins, nor can I do 18 pushups. We arent talking female pushups, we are talking real pushups. The situps shouldn't be too much of a problem, although I do still need to work on them.I'm also dreaming about pseudo-work situations and dreading going back. I got rest, but not much of a respit, at least I don't think. Weds I have afternoon classes and a test, while Tuesday, tomorrow, I may have to drive to Philly and back to get my "head examined". Well, it's still there and it's still a head. Can't really say too much more than that.