Ok.. I don't know why some people don't like Americans, but you can all KISS MY ASS!! HAHAHAHA!! Really, I haven't the foggiest.ANYWHO...I just gave a couple calls to Kelly and Jillian to see if they wanted to go out. They both seemed like they did want to go out, but both had eaten. Far be it for me to be a glutton ALONE... so Kelly decided to meet me out. I have been craving Ruby Tuesday's fry thinga-ma-hoojits with all the cheese... mmmm, cheeeese. Afterwards, we might hit up my favorite local bar. Of course, I lost my license. Ergo, any place they are going to want to drink at probably will try and card me. I know that bar won't because I've been there so many times, they know I'm 23. Cin cin!So, anywho.. I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately, although I am not sure why. First there was this overwhelming feeling that could only be described as a Divine compulsion to find an old friend, Jean. For some reason, she showed up in one of my dreams, then another. Each time I woke up, I had this overwhelming urge to find her and find her NOW. I don't have any clue as to why this suddenly became an obsession, but I do thank God that I found her. I am very interested in seeing who she is, the type of person she has become. I had looked her up briefly a couple times, but I wasn't driven to find her like I was this time. God only knows what this is about. I know I'M clueless!! Anywho.. it sounds like she is incredibly busy. I don't want to intrude on her life being that she is so busy, but I would really like to see her. Here is where my self doubt comes in. Honestly, I find it incredibly hard to believe that I might mean something to anyone. Case in point, I still care about my old friends as well as my new- but who says that the same thing rings true for others toward me? I could reduce this to merely a poor self-esteem, but I think it is more than that. You see, I wouldn't be quick to classify myself as a person with low self confidence. Actually, I think I have quite a bit of it. Perhaps I am not thinking of myself as high as I have in the past, but when thought of again, it seems as though I might be. Last time, I was quite pleased with how I looked physically and quite frankly, felt very good about myself. If I compare myself now to myself then, there are a lot of changes. What a few years can do to a person, let alone 10!Somehow, I think I am reaching out to my past to help me make sense of my present. What is terribly confusing is that I don't find myself lacking for direction or purpose at this point in my life. I basically know what I want to do. Couple that with the fact that I don't really care about other "lost" friends and we have someone that is confused about not being confused. Maybe its just the mystery I am enjoying. Mission 1: completed- friend found. Mission 2- catch up, preferably in person, although that doesn't seem that it is likely. Who knows, maybe it is. Mission 3: figure out what place, if any, I have in her life, and vice versa. Then what? Move on, for there really is nothing else to do in one's life anyways... my mood is contemplative right now, so don't mistake this for a low mood. It just hasn't made any sense to me yet. What will really suck is that if she didn't really care to see/talk/email me. Even though she has written only once and said that she was glad to hear from me, I can't help but think that it is merely a polite formality and then when it comes down to it, she really doesn't care, no one really cares. Maybe I am facing my own "aloneness" and I don't find it appealing.