Ambivalence

Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence
Pronunciation: am-'biv-&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action. A heightened ambivalence which is expressed in behavior by alternating obedience and rebellion, followed by self-reproach —G. S. Blum

To put it simply, ambivalence sucks. I've been undecided before. Even been completely stuck. Ambivalence is on a whole new level.

Everything I was bothered about in the recent past is still with me. A moment came in there where I realized something. That realization helped a lot, or at least I thought so at the time. It was a realization that I was human and I had a choice. I think it was the thought that I had no choice that was bothering me, at least to a great extent. So, I now know I have choice. That settled things for a little bit. Very little.

Real choice, real feelings, real problem. What do I want? I am not confused, I am ambivalent. The only thing confusing is what the outcome will be.

It all comes down to shame. Anyone need some? I have plenty to go around. Oh God how I wish I could unload myself of this. I don't believe, however, that there is anyone truly capable of understanding my situation. That keeps me from talking, which of course keeps people from understanding. One thing it does do is keep people from knowing and scoffing it off as nothing, nothing to be concerned about, or silly. At least I know I take it seriously.

All of my life I've felt misunderstood. I've felt left out. More than that, it's happened to me time and time again. It's being misunderstood and left out that keep me on one side of the ambivalence. The other side? That doesn't matter and, frankly, is easier to explain. Ambivalence resolved on one side ceases to be ambivalence, does it not? If I could suddenly, for whatever reason, find one side to be unimportant or no longer believe it its validity, the problem would be solved. Ambivalence gone. Obstacle removed. Life can continue.

There's nothing on this earth I hate more than being misunderstood and being left out. Absolutely nothing. Right now I just feel like crying. I know I can be comforted by someone, but I also know that's merely a moment in time. Everyone will fail me at some point, or at least that's what I believe. It's what I've seen. It seems easier to just keep people at a distance then share yourself in such a vulnerable way and then have it not respected in whatever way. I've never had a relationship of any kind where I haven't been let down, tremendously or hurt, or otherwise. Maybe that's how life is. Laugh, point, call me names, exclude me from activities, stop your discussion when I enter the room, say I don't know what I'm talking about, belittle my experiences, tell me what I should and shouldn't do, make me feel ashamed of everything I am and am not, then find fault when I try to be what's expected of me and mock me again when I realize that all the should's are bullshit and I try to be myself.

The ambivalence continues.

Awww!

Must have been a pretty tasty foot!

My brother's house. I'm jealous.

It's easy to see the family resemblance, isn't it? Actually, that nose and them brows are more prevalent on my father's side and these kids are all on my mom's. Alexis is about 8 here, she is my cousin Kim's daughter. Next to her is "Tyler", he's 7 I think, and is Allison's first son. The little one is Christopher, Allison's second son.

Screw propriety, it's my father's hairy arm, taken by Paige. Who is Paige?

This right here is Paige. I can't even figure out exactly how we are related, but everyone kept saying that she looked like she should be my daughter. I don't think that made her mother very happy.

Tick, tock

4:42pm. Thursday evening. Contemplative but calm mood. Maybe even melancholy. I had the day off from work and right now I'm all alone in the house. The monitor is nearly blinding me, as the pale gray light outside darkens moment by moment. I can barely see anything else in the room. The clock behind the computer counts off the seconds. Funny how fast fall really goes by.

My cat seems to be doing better, although she is much different these days. Her personality seems to have changed. My mother, screaming at me to do something as always, was urging me to get ready so we could pick up the cat from the vet's. I put on a pair of windpants (quite wrinkled, but not the type you iron- they smooth themselves out with time) and a t-shirt. The shirt was clean, but it wasn't ironed. Oh save me Lord from my most egregious of sins! I was then called, by way of yelling of course, a "freak ass" several times by my mother, who apparently loathed my choice of clothing. I put a light jacket on to shut her up, but I refused to change. Why does my own mother hate me? She has called me everything you can imagine, said she's hated me, that she wished she never had children, a bitch, a fucking _________ (fill in with a word of your choice) etc, etc... and then she denies it later. I can't talk to her and my efforts to avoid her are minimally successful at best. The only thing she managed to instill in me completely is a crushing sense of shame. Sometimes, she makes me wish I was aborted.

I don't think anyone even gets this. I don't think most will understand even if I told them. They may understand somewhat, but they won't ever understand more, or understand the true gravity of the situation, if not for their lack of willingness to understand (for whatever reason), then for my lack of explaining things precisely. I think it's easier to just keep to myself, rather than share and have it taken more lightly than it should be. Most of the time people aren't willing to go that far in listening- not with anything that I would consider important to talk about at least. So much of me I want to share, and so much I know will be misunderstood. I am so lonely. I want to be held and I want to feel love, but the clock just ticks away the remaining millions of seconds like a metronome. This is, at any rate, the modest opus of my life.