Who, what, when, where, why?

Sometimes I wonder which is harder to deal with in life- the "what"s or the "why"s. I don't think I've been given more to handle than I can deal with, but I wish I would be given a rest once in a while. Sometimes I impress myself with my incredible and unending strength. Other times I wish I wasn't so strong. I admire my ability to understand and connect to others, for their benefit. I hate that others don't know who I am. I try to be a good person and always try to do the right thing. Many days I feel like I am being refined, but don't have a damn thing to show for it. I am a moral and ethical person, one that goes on principles of a matter more than anything else. I wish other people did as well. Stress at work, to put it simply, has thrown me into an "existential crisis". I cannot stand when people lie to me and this happened yet again today. I am so beyond burnt out, I don't know how I am still keeping it more or less together. I'm fine with clients and groups, relaxed, focused, etc. All the problems are the bosses. I lost count, but I am pretty sure I am on my 7th now. Ok, well a good part of my current issues were brought about by the last few weeks of work. That is an issue I can ramble about for days, yet I digress. The other part of the problem is me. The majority of the problem is me. I think a lot of it is the depression. The trick is remembering it, something that is difficult for me to do most days now, thankfully. Is there a more coniving and viscious way to view the world than through depressed eyes? It changes nothing and yet it changes everything possible. I've gotten a ridiculousamount of good from it, but when the pain surfaces, it is soul shattering. Trust is an issue. I am protecting against rejection and betrayal of a different, deeper kind. Frankly, if I put myself on the line and someone doesn't like it, I don't give a damn. But, let that be by someone I care about and forget it. I won't ever trust them again and never seem to have much success in fixing things. I cannot even count how many times I've been betrayed by close, intimate friends. I'd rather have someone share everything possible about me than know it and then avoid me. I don't understand. I am not trying to hide anything in particular and generally I consider myself to be an open person. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to say exactly what is on my mind. My face also depicts it all. I don't, generally, try to cover these over. It is not the mere lack of censorship as some might think. It's about being me no matter who is around. I can sensor fine, I just choose not to. My physical and verbal are fairly well aligned with my emotional. Behavioral is another matter entirely. I am a hell of an actress when I need to be. This is the trouble with writing. There are no interruptions. Fine if you had a life, it would be cathartic. Indeed, it still is, however.... time marches on. I need to decide what I am doing about work tomorrow. Damn I wish I could believe that people cared about me. I'm not even certain that these people exist.