Jewapalooza '03*

Calling all Gentiles!! {Monticello, NY. Summer of 2003. Admission is free. Leave your backpacks, beachballs, and sanity at home.} For those of you who are looking to live on the edge, we offer you - "Pathways of Peril". Get in your car. Make sure it is at least 95 degrees inside. You are low on gas, and although you can see the gas station in the distance, you just may run out before getting there. You are on a major road/minor highway. You have 2 minutes to get back to work. Suddenly, the car in front of you stops! What do you do??! They have no directional on! Do you pass or not?! THe car begins moving again and the left blinker comes on. You start to pass on the right, but watch out!! He really meant to go to the right! Get past him, or you become involved in a car accident AND lose your job. Continue further, but keep your eyes peeled! Those Jewish men, although they look as though they are merely walking, are really going to bolt across the road at any moment, without notice. Don't let the black shoes fool you, these guys can move!! The women are a bit trickier, especially those with children or baby carriages. Do not assume that they will not do something to kill themselves, you, or you and the 35 cars behind you. Cops run rampant and are just looking for someone to pull over for say, erradic driving or them not so infrequent manslaughter. Go ahead and try to get out of that one. Does it matter that he randomly leaped out in front of you? No. You see, this man, as his family, are masterful chameleons. They not only blend in to the background, they blend in to every other person wandering around just trying to get you into some sort of trouble. Did he manage to gimp away? I hope you caught his yamaka description or you are as good as a succulent piece of sweet man meat in a maximum security prison in Tennessee. For those of you that are still looking for a challenge but don't want to risk you own life- we offer you a true test of indurance. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Walmart. You stop in for two of three items, but beware, nothing is as it seems. You see that last batch of kosher cookies? You better run and leap, or you have no chance. Sure, no one is in the aisle..... yet. The second you move, there will be 6 or 7 carts in front of you, none of which are moving, manned by a Jewish wife who is looking at you like you are a fat pig for wanting those cookies. Whatever you do, don't let them catch you. They WILL chase you down and they WILL do everything in their power to piss you off. Glares. Insults in Hebrew. No concern whatsoever for the people who may be around(you). Move? WATCH THOSE TOES! Plan on looking at some merchandise? Forget it. Snatch it and MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, soldier! This is a war!!! Suddenly those two or three items aren't so easy. Yet, your final challenge looms. 50 cash registers. 35 are open. 10 are for 20 items are less. You are at the wrong end of the store for the express lines. Make sure the cashier isn't going to close on you! Sure, the person in front of you only has 25 items or so, but you decide that they can still be ahead of you without complaining. But WAIT! The 6 year old with her slipped a ring on her finger! They have nothing to scan! The cashier is sweating. You turn around and the woman behind you seems equally as exasperated. How long can you make it without telling the woman in front of you off??! The pressure mounts as the mother realizes that her daughter pulled the tag and hence the BAR CODE off of the ring!! There is nothing to scan! Your items start to seem awfully heavy and burdensome. You hear "So, she took the taaaag awwwf, just ring it up and I'll pay for it". "No bar code? Just type in somethin and I'll pay, oy! I think I saaaw the price was $2.97 or somethin." The manager gets called in...and the fun continues. Want to get out a little aggression? Play "Whack a Jew". We give you the mallet, Monticello provides the Jews. Please note that we are not liable should you actually catch one of those wiley bastards and start konking him senseless.More attractions coming soon, and remember- the LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST SAVES!!!*Please note that this article should not be generalized to all Jewish persons or any particular sect of Judaism. Also, please realize that several collegues and friends have corroborated the habits of these Monticello visitors and I am not being biased against them because of their religion. I'm being biased because they are acting in a rude, ignorant, selfish, stupid, and LIFE THREATENING manner.

Maybe I should have went to art school

This week was so slow. Pretty stressful too. I ended up working the yard sale last Sunday with my co-workers. I got some sun, which was nice. I also got a pretty serious burn on my arms, which wasn't so nice. A week later, it has faded to merely a hint of a tan. GRR!! Val hurt her neck this week at work by, apparently, bending over to pick up a chart, then quickly turning and standing to answer the phone. She will be out indefinately and is on an envious amount of painkillers. So, I believe Val is still my boss, so is Susan, although Maria will be now acting in leiu of Val. She tried several times to repoduce Val's body movements with the hope that she would be able to inflict a similar pain and be out. Now I have to do the day program on Monday. Oh, kill me. KILL ME PLEASE. The good news, at least, is that I will be done at 4 and still have from 12:30 until then to get some actual work done. Oh, lest I forget to mention that they now banned smoking on any of their property. I simply refuse to drive off their property. That's assinine. I'll just walk to the hotel next door and stay out of view of the clients. Clients will not be allowed to smoke at all. No more breaks either. This is going to cause some serious hell for clients, including mine, who smoke like chimneys. In more recent news, this weekend has been absolutely lovely lately. I slothed around yesterday, took a nice long nap, and once I got to sleep for the night, I woke up at 7pm today. Do I feel like I wasted the day? Yes. Do I care enough not to do the same thing tomorrow? No. One thing did happen while I was sleeping. Basically, that thing was a torrential downpour. I love the rain, I love the thunder, but when everyone walks past my car and sees that the sunroof is fully open... I become really ticked off. Needless to say that my seats were both soaked, two brand new books on my seat are now water logged, the roof is dripping, etc etc.I had a dream about Manhattan last night. To be more precise, I suppose I should mention that it revolved around the Empire State Building. It was a very interesting dream, but not totally unwarranted. Anne had written me asking about meeting up to go to the Ansel Adams exibit and I had replied that I would love to, but it would have to be a weekend. I'm also trying to drag her to see The Producers one of these days. I'll probably take the train down even though driving would be much quicker. I just looooooooove riding trains. It's even better when they aren't Amtrak and you don't have to fear for your life. While looking at The Producers website, I came across the name "Paul Kolnik" quite a bit. It seems as though any stage production in New York, or any major one in this country period, is photographed by Mr. Kolnik. Suddenly an idea pops into my head. I should make weekly trips down to New York and try to entice Mr. Kolnik to let me aid him for free. Now, I know I am decent at photography. I know I have a decent portfolio. I know I've taken a couple classes and was highly praised for my work. Likewise, I know I would be able to produce prints of comparable quality with a little practice and some better cameras. Hell, I might be able to do it now. I don't do my own color print work though. I also don't have any sort of job experience in photography. Surprisingly, for someone with so little experience, I sure do get a lot of compliments. A degree in photography is something I have thought about, but for the meantime at least, have not planned. Lack of funds and time are two major reasons why it was never pursued. Also, getting one's doctorate is not exactly conducive to outside, non-affiliated work. I can't draw, I can't paint, I can't sculpt, I can't sing, I can't dance, and therefore of what I've seen, can't get into art school. Maybe I can figure out some sort of weekend class schedule at a photography school or something. Of course, with two classes already planned for this fall, plus a full work week, more might be a bit much. I think I will drive myself crazy if photography is not part of my life in some degree. Maybe I should go to art school after all.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it

This morning was just as dynamic as usual. I enter my office, and my supervisor is having neck problems. She ends up being taken to the hospital. She really looked like she was in PAIN. The clients that were hanging around were very helpful, and we got her out of there lickety split. The clients that were running amok, however, weren't as cooperative. Marisa and Maria were on vacation. Val ended up going to the emergency room. That left me and the intern, Heather. We were one person short to begin with in the adolescent department. [/adorn self with cape] Quite a few things happened. A lot of good, a lot of frustrations. A US Marine came in to talk to the clients a few hours later. I was hoping that he would bring 10 or 12 of his buddies. We definately needed reinforcements. Eventually I was able to get to the "staff appreciation BBQ" around 1pm. Heather led the way and I'm glad that she went, otherwise I would have been VERY bored. The good news is that I got another T-shirt, this one from Land's End. It's fairly simple, a light blue polo with our logo embroidered. The ground was too wet for the tug of war. Bloody buggery!!In other news, I do believe that when I "grow up", I would like to own a house/factory like Willy Wonka. Chocolate River. Everlasting gobstoppers. And lots and lots of Oompa Loompas!! >=)

Welcome to the twilight zone

Today was interesting. I went to Philadelphia for a very short trip to get my head examined. Of course, I had to stop at Barnes and Noble and spend a small fortune afterwards. God, it was SO hot in Philadelphia. Somehow I made it in 2.5 hours instead of 3.5... makes no sense. But then again, not too much that happened today made sense. Case(s) in point:1. Some sort of object flew into my windshield as I was doing 75ish mph on the PA turnpike. I was facing forward, yet saw nothing. It happened immediately before I went under an overpass, so I thought that perhaps someone had thrown a rock. I checked my mirrors to see if anyone was on the bridge, but no one to be seen. Thankfully, whatever it was did not come completely through my windshield, for if it had, I am certain that I would be in dire straits right now. Whatever it was would have plunged right into my chest. 2. Driving home again, the guy in front of me somehow just STOPPED in my lane, yet his brake lights never came on. I had left a good amount of room between him and I, thankfully. Well, I hit the brakes and it became obvious that I was going to hit this van. I mean, I really would have plowed into this thing. Luckily, as I was braking, I had room to swerve into the right lane. At least I'm good with checking my mirrors =) I don't know why, but there wasn't a single car in those other lanes. To the left was a guardrail. The right, no one. In front of me by a few feet, a white van. God, I love my honda!! 3. As I was getting gas in Philly, some guy came up to me asking for spare change, something, sadly, that is not uncommon. However, after I gave him some money and turned to pump my gas, the guy was gone. *poof* I didn't see him walking away or even turning to walk away. An angel in disguise? Who knows. 4. Coming home, YET AGAIN, I made one small error. I have driven this route numerous times and the last couple times I have missed this one turn. I got off, accidentally, on exit 1 of route 6 in scranton. Being that I have made this mistake once before, I decided to get off the first exit, turn around, come back, and get on course. I drove and drove and drove and finally found exit one. I turned around and came back. Then, I notice that the exit numbers are increasing. So, I get to about exit 7 and pull off again, check the map, then decide to turn around AGAIN. I then get back on, and wham bam, few milesdown the road is exit one. I continue on and find the road I had originally deviated from. What makes this story interesting, if you haven't figured it out yet- is that although I went the wrong direction and turned around TWICE, I ended up going the correct direction. With two changes, I should have been going the original, incorrect way. I'm confused. To further complicate matters... when I got onto my road.. guess what? The ONRAMP had an exit... exit 1!!! Bewildering. Truly. I'm pooped. I need a new windshield. I stepped into a world where nothing was as it seemed.

A 4th minus fireworks

No literal fireworks. No figurative fireworks.The 4th of July is a holiday, like New Year's Eve, that must be celebrated with others and must be celebrated BIG. At least, that is the way I believe it should be. There is no room for one on one intimacy on these days, no sir. These two holidays call for hundreds of thousands of public drunkards and some sort of defining moment. The dropping ball (Whatever happened to the "Big Apple" that used to drop???). The grand finale of the Macy's fireworks show. East River, not Hudson for you new comers. Yet, my 4th, for several different reasons, lacked everything even remotely defining or special about the day. There were fireworks, certainly, but I was not a spectator. The closest show being not more than a mile, if that, away.. and still I was not present. Sure, my house shook as I grew embittered, but alas, I did not move a stinkin' inch. I tried the other 4th approach- the big bash (that is getting smaller every year) at my Aunt Milly's house. Let's just say that there was no one left but my brother and the pool cover was already over.So, depression is setting in on a couple different levels. There's certainly no need for me to go into detail, however I will mention this: I have implemented some ego reaffirming strategies. I plan on celebrating the 4th tomorrow. Furthermore, I plan on convincing myself that tomorrow is the 4th. Being that today is the day prior to the 4th, I am able to plan accordingly. I will have a low key day tomorrow at the pool. Get a tan. Go swimming. Read a book. Celebrate the 4th of July. **Please note that there will be two July 3rds in the year of Our Lord, 2003, but no July 5th. The actual July 4th and ensuing celebrations will be held in place of July 5, 2003. Anyone mentioning the existence of July 5, 2003 from here on out will be considered an enemy of the state and will be disposed of quietly, or upon our discretion, not so quietly. We regret any inconvenience that this may have caused.